I Am Free.

I have prayerfully begun this blog so that God’s glory may be shown through my life. I believe that God has given me a story that he intends for me to share with the world. God has brought me from the darkest place and put me into the light. His hand has never left me Through this blog, I hope to share what God is doing. Hopefully this will convict and encourage and provide accountability for that is its sole intention.

A little bit about me: I have grown up going to church my entire life. I was never a “bad kid” per se. I knew that I didn’t want hell, but I didn’t really want Jesus either. I tried for many years to float through the motions and act like a Christian, whatever that means. During my seventh grade year, I gave my life to Christ, but this was merely fire insurance for me. As I said, I was afraid of hell but not in love with Jesus. I chose God selfishly, but he has used the decision to change my life forever. Going into my eight grade year, my life began to fall apart. This seemed contradictory since I had just become a Christian. I thought my life was supposed to get better and be easy. My family was struggling. I watched as my parents fell apart, and I crumbled in turn. I pulled inside my own head and tried to solve my problems on my own. I blamed God for all the bad in my life, and I walked away from what little faith I had. I chose to leave God; I wanted nothing to do with him. I began drinking and cutting, and I tried everything in my power to drown God out. I did not want anything to do with him. Even in my darkest days, God’s hand never left me. Though I gave up on God, God did not relent until he won me back. All those years of depression and anguish and sin made me appreciate God’s grace in my life that much more.

I spent years trying to muster up just enough courage to kill myself. Something kept holding me to this earth though. I was addicted to pain killers for many years. I was so numb to the world that I had convinced myself I couldn’t feel any pain at all. I was dying on the inside. I knew that God said he would take my burdens, but I had no idea how I was supposed to give them to him. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I was hurt. I was breaking. And I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted out. God in his mercy saved me from doing the harder drugs I really wanted. My mom kicked me out of my house multiple times, but she always took me back. That tiny bit of hope kept me from heroine. I tried to leave one night with the intention of trying this drug. I knew I could have died, but that’s exactly what I wanted. My life felt like trash on the inside so I figured that I might as well make the outside match. At least then I wouldn’t have to be so fake. At least then I wouldn’t have to walk into church with a smile on my face and hate and pain in my heart. I didn’t know what stopped me. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t inability. It was simply the hope of God. Even in writing my suicide note, God wouldn’t even let my hand move.

God saved me from that place. He gave me two people in my life who saved my life. I should be dead: not just physically dead, but spiritually as well. I should not be here. I should have eternity to look forward to. I deserve to be rotting in hell at this very moment, but I’m not. God’s grace is unfathomable. I cannot even begin to comprehend God’s jealousy for me and his unrelenting love and mercy. He not only saved me from the pain of depression, but he saved me from the pain of hell. Hebrews 6:19 says, “We have this hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure.”

I hope all of you see the depths from which God has brought me. This is simply an overview of my testimony; there is so much more involved, but I will save those for future posts. There is always hope, always. Even in the darkest place, there is hope. That verse could not be more true in my life. God constantly reminds me of that hope. God is not only how I live but why I live. This is faith is not because of my church or my parents or my friends or whatever. This faith is mine. God has specifically given me this faith and shown me the depths of himself through his unfailing and unrelenting grace for me. Grace has saved me. I am free.

“Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.”